This is Part 5 in a series of letters written by my grandparents to each other in 1945.
Here’s where things start to get complicated. It seems like my grandmother (who was 23 at the time) had had a husband who at this point had been gone for a while (in a concentration camp? This seems quite likely, though it is never explained.). My grandfather also had a wife back home in the States. But somehow, in Paris, they had fallen in love. And then, my grandmother’s husband (presumed dead?) returned.
Saturday – 19 H
Mani, my darling –
Since the letter I wrote you Sunday lots of things happened and I could not find the opportunity to write you again.
As I told you I went to Paris Monday and found my brother-in-law back from Germany as well as a letter from my husband telling me that he is coming back before the end of May. Wednesday morning he arrived too. Darling what can I tell you. I don’t know how to start – Everything is so confused in my head.
They are both quite healthy but very tired – and so happy to come back from that hell. I have already talked to my husband and told him that I have got used to be free and that it is going to be very hard for me to start everything again. I did not tell him everything about us there is no use for it – It was terrible for him but he told me that I can do exactly as if I was not married to him. He said that since he left me, he only thought of me and had enough will to stand what he had to because he loved me and wanted to see me again. When I see him I must believe him – I cannot look at his eyes – he suffers so much – and I cannot stop thinking of you – I am going crazy. Darling – May I leave him? I am afraid this will kill him.
Monday I am going back to Ecouis – like that I’ll have time to think it over – I pity him too much and he loves me really too. I did not want this to happen – I have destroyed four people’s happiness – I wish I was dead – everything would then become so simple. I hope you are alright. Darling, I must have lots of mail waiting for me in in Ecouis since Monday that I left.
Don’t do any silly thing – and don’t come on the 15th as you decided. I’ll write you later to tell you when you can come down. He is going in Dordogue for a month. This will give me the time to take breath again. Nothing is settled now so don’t worry and let time and circumstances work.
I don’t forget you but I am too unhappy – and sad when I see what I did. I must leave you now. This is too much for me and I love you tenderly.
22 June 1945 Ecouis
Mani Darling – It is two weeks I did not see you and write you and I could not stop myself to think of you. I have received your two letters – they are just as you are very miserable and it breaks my heart to see how much you suffer for me. Oh if I could only die and stop all the worries I am making you and him.
I feel so dirty and I can’t wash up myself. One thing is certain I am not staying with him – but I can’t tell you when I am going away. I am allowed to leave him but not to break his life and as things are actually I cannot do it – he is not very well physically and would become sick. Don’t be upset, Darling, if this does not count for you it does for me, I want to be clean when this story will end.
My husband knows everything about us and he understands that I am not going to stay with him but as long as he is not sure, he can’t believe it.
Darling here is my answer – wait for me if you still want me now after all that.
Remember everything, dear, all our souvenirs, this will help you as it helps me. We were happy together and if you want when we’ll be together forever, I’ll promise you to make you forget all your actual fears.
You wrote me that you are probably coming down the 23rd. I hope not. Today I am going in Paris. Don’t come on the 29th neither because I won’t be able to meet you neither in Paris nor in Ecouis where I am working and where I might not be alone. Please, Darling, be patient, time works for us, you can be sure of that.
I am writing and writing and realize how empty the words are to express myself.
I have lots of work and I still cannot stop thinking of us. Keep on writing me often.
Darling, will you wait for me? I love you